13 Jun 2017

you wouldnt never be known if you not express yourself

Lately, my body got all itchy. Dont know the reasons why. But for sure, now I understand those who got skin disease. This is so irritating. Please be patient, dear self. I cannot help it but my face is all frowning. Somehow, this tense makes me more expressive. Maybe it is a way to divert the itchiness. Dont get too cautious about yourself or u can feel the itchiness. Like that.

But now, I wish to reveal something. It is kinda disappointing when people even those who near you never truly know about yourself. Most of them. Just because I never reveal my trueself through my behavior, and my principles. People seem to be looking me as a person who does not know much things especially about the street things. It is just because I am quiet and shy type. The saddest part of being shy is you cannot deliver the thing that is exploding in your innerself. *sigh

It's true tht I got this insecurity problem. Ever since high school. People treat me like I know nothing about other than academic things ... again, just because I not reveal myself. This made me holding grudge and become competitive. It's like "Owh yeah...soon or later I will show you!" The other reason of being not expressive enough is because I am fear of getting hurt. These things that keep me anxious all the times, and thus giving bad effects to my physical body, in and out. I got depressed by this unreasonable anxiety. Silly..this is silly. Things that you can laugh is...the PRS , and all of those classmates (in high school) never notice my discomfort of being anxious all the time. They never understand about the anxiety that I went through but I knew that how I performed in the class should be strong enough as the evidence. So what actually the measures that they were taking attention to in order to give a friend helps? Same goes to the teachers. Why? I'd always thought about is just I cant say it. Hey, people...listen...or observe!

I know that all of those experiences before high school and during that time come out this kind of me...and I really wish that I dont blame anyone. Silver lining is all behind it.

It's okkay. I really hope tht Tarbiah can teach me to be a better person; in and out.
Good luck. I will be running for the priority. No worries.

8 Jun 2017

Astaghfirullah: Random things lately

1. It is found that I love deep meaning song, and yes, hip hop, rap, song mostly deliver that. I am Malaysian what; Seriously, Malique and altimet are some of the bests laa. Ahli Fikir pun boleh tahan. Deep, rasa pedas gituh. This my taste change...see? From cute happy pop song to this kind. Interest can change easily.

2. Aku mohon supaya aku boleh bertahan..dugaan, tarikan dan pressure daripada orang keliling aku.
Orang kata, mencarila masa di uni kan. That's is what all my friends do. Tarikan dan pengaruh itu kuat juga pada aku, tapi aku memang ada plan bahawa, sebelum diriku siap seperti yang sepatutnya belum masa lagi untuk berfikir hal itu. Ini bukan masanya. Plan aku; when it comes the internship or when I am totally be ready about it. Hey, my parents and siblings are the ones that I need to take care of first...and at the mean of time, I have to keep myself to be in track; trying hard to not get hurt.

3. Cautious level of mine is sinusoidal. Please make it to infinity sin 270 degree. or half pi. I like those subjects...this sem. But getting in the class made me kinda scared and cannot pay attention. The interest has lost.

4. It turns out that I am really hangat-hangat tahi ayam. Lately; banyak kes yang berlaku di sekitar bumi bima sakti. Kenapa tak begitu sakti untuk aku membaca tentang hal-hal itu? Aku cuma bersemangat bila aku dalam kelas, bosan, scroll twitter and got sentap from those comments but I cant analyse and digest it since it is lecture time-thus, I got the determination thought of getting dig on what had happened. But, when I got home...spirited away ~

5. What I am scared most about myself is being munafik in instant due to my cautiousness.